After a long time am back on the job :) It is nice to be back home and working. Got home about 2:30am on Wednesday morning.
While all of the flights were late due to weather the Airline people were GREAT! So fly UAL!

There is not a day I do not think of my dead spouse. I dreamed of him returning and was so happy. Only to wake up by the day to the fact he is gone. These days I am lacking a clear purpose for doing anything. I go day by lonely day surrounded by people that do not care about me. I go home to an empty house. It is not very pleasant and sometimes feel buried in my grief as it is threatening to smother me.

Never seem to get around to posting on this. Since my last entry have returned home from Iraq in March of 2008. I came home only to have my spouse die of colon and metastatic lung cancer.
Remember holding his hands in the hospital not knowing if I could live on when he passed away and left me. This was in September of 2009 and now in June of 2011 I still miss him. I just can not seem to get past this fact.
In Second Life I have pulled out of Caledon, why? Because I never used the place and will not brown nose to some paid for noble rank.
Well that is my story like a stream flowing from my birthplace to the ocean. While crashing into rocks and other obstructions follow my path no matter how painful.

I had the honor to help send home a fallen warrior from my unit. He had so much to live for and was not here for much longer when stuck down.
My heart goes out to his family near Ft McCoy. I do not know what to say. He deserved to live more than me but look who lives on?

I get to work tonight here in the land of tears.
Am beginning to level out more and more and I am no longer as afraid as before. Think my depression and anxiety attacks were behind my desire to die. I can see things much more clearly now and have so much to live for. There is so much good food and drink to consume. So many mountains and hills to climb and paths to walk, There is my civilian life which has gone a lot better than my military one.
I am cheering the Democrats on with their withholding the money for the war. The President has things reversed, giving him money leads to more suffering for the troops. The American people do not support his war. Hell he does not even enjoy the support of his own political party. He looks like he wants to drive his head through a concrete wall and the countries as well. Fight on dear Democratic Congressmen and women the Armed forces are behind you!

I have been allowed to return to duty after finishing the 3 day "restoration" program at the Combat Stress Clinic. Only a few people know why I was away from the unit. I hope this continues to be true.
They gave me back my automatic but took the firing pin out. I guess they do not trust me not to redecorate my room with grey matter. I am not sure what the future holds for me but am hopeful for a better tomorrow.
I feel so weak having admitted to having this problem. What do you think? I was surprised to find out that stress is having such an adverse affect on my health. Again am I weak or strong asking for help?

Put down on my sick leave that I was depressed. The health care professional asked me if I had though of sucide? Well I was dead beat tired from my shift and gave him an honest answer. Now I am in a residental program for 3 days set to get me refreshed to go back to the fight. I have gotten 2 days of really great sleep and do look a lot better. I am on a new antidepression medicine, not sure how this will affect things but my command is very understanding about my problems. I am not in a straight jacket or such all they did was take away my weapon, a pleasure to part company with it for a few days and am going through a bunch of classes.

The long and winding road that leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before it always leads me here
Leads me to your door

The wild and windy night that the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears crying for the day
Why leave me standing here, let me know the way
Many times I've been alone and many times I've cried
Anyway you'll never know the many ways I've tried
And still he leads me back to the long and winding road
He left me standing here a long, long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here, lead me to you door

But still he leads me back to the long and winding road
He left me standing here a long, long time ago
Don't keep me waiting here (Don't keep me wait), lead me to you door
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I am continuing to go down the long road that has brought me to the "land of tears". I have not seen any improvement here during the course of my imprisonment. The press tries to show how "noble" our efforts are in the "war of terrorism". I see no such thing.
Through the long endless days and cold nights I am struggling to make my way. My life is like walking down a one way street in which the buildings are getting closer and closer tougher. This dark force in my life that is such a burden to carry, it is like flying a plane, no place to land and running out of fuel. I will try to keep my will to move forward along this road.
I am tired of the burden that my life has become, a sorry heavy burden.........

I have been in Baghdad all day. I have visited my corps brothers and sisters and they are well. I went by the palace to do some paperwork. Some kid sold me a collection of old money and coins for 5 dollars. This area must of looked nice once apon a time. Now destroyed buildings are still around. Everthing here has that shot up look about it. You can see armed men everwhere with loaded AK-47's ready to get in a firefight. They are spanish speaking guards from wh knows where. We have been taking fire all morning. The loud speakers blare "incoming, incoming, incoming, take cover" sometimes they even sound before the incoming hits.
We are winning, right?